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Have you always wanted to go on a date, sleep with the woman immediately and never see her
again? Do you find yourself at the bar on a Friday night looking around and wondering how
to land that one-night
stand? Here are three ways of pulling it off.

Situation No. 1: On A Date

Let’s say you’re on a date and you like her, but you know you don’t like her enough to be
your girlfriend. You know that you don’t want to spend the next month pretending to like
her, pretending to want to have a relationship with her, just so you can get in her
pants.So, here you go: You’re laughing with her, you’re having a good time,
and then it all comes down to the crucial moment: How do you tell this beautiful woman sitting across from
you that you do not want a relationship but would like to sleep with her?This
is what I’d do: Look directly in her eyes and do not break eye contact. Then say this:
“Listen, I’m not looking for a relationship right now. I think you’re wonderful, but
I’ve got to tell you that I know I can’t give you what you need right now, and
there’s no reason for us to do the dance. But I do find you intriguing, really alluring
and incredibly sexy, and I would love to spend the night with you tonight and show you
exactly how I feel right now.”Do not break eye contact at this moment because
this is going to tell whether you’re strong and not afraid, and it’s also going to show
her that you’re a guy who’s done this before and you’re going to give her a good
time. She might hem, she might haw a little bit, and she might say,
“Well I’m not really looking for a one-night stand.” That’s when you look at
her again and say this: “I’m honest. I really don’t like to play games at all. I could
have lied to you, and I could have told you I wanted a relationship. I could have pursued
you like a lot of guys do, just to get into your pants, and then leave you confused when I
don’t call. But I have to tell you I am so intrigued by what you feel like. I can’t stop
thinking about how you and I would be together, because I know just by looking at you
there are a lot of things that I can do to make you feel unbelievable tonight. And I
really would like that opportunity to do that right now.”Once again, do not
hesitate. The choice is hers. If she says no, look at her and tell her you understand and
respect that. Leave it at that. You might run into her a few weeks later, and she might be
in the mood — and you’ve already planted the seed.

Situation No. 2: At The Bar

So, you’re at a bar and you’re looking around. You find the one woman who keeps breaking
away from her friends. She’s constantly breaking for the bathroom, going to the bar
herself to get a drink. She’s basically turning her back on the group and looking at
different men.What she’s doing is trying to find the guy who she can either
get a date with or have a fling with. What you need to do is become very playful with her.
Call her out on what she’s doing. Walk by and say, “I know what you’re doing
tonight, and I know what you’re looking for. I’ve been watching you. I’ll be
back.” Leave a little bit of intrigue. About 10 minutes later, whisper in her
ear and say, “What was wrong with that guy? Was that guy not the one for you for the
night? I know you’re interviewing tonight; I can see it.”More tips
on how to score a one-night stand, next… 

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My favorite moment of the 2011-12 NFL season happened in Week Three. Being a St. Louis
Rams fan, I didn’t have much to like about this season, but this particular moment stands
out. And it tells you everything you need to know about the Super Bowl rematch between
America’s Team, the New York Giants, and the most hated group of evildoers on the planet
not currently on trial at The Hague: the New England Patriots.The Patriots
were playing the Buffalo Bills, a team that, at least early in the season, looked as
though it was about to make the jump to the big boys’ table. The game was tied 24-24 with
a little over 10 minutes to go in the fourth quarter when this happened:Tom
Brady, under absolutely no pressure whatsoever, bounced a quick pass off Bills rookie
defensive tackle Marcell Dareus’ head. It landed in the tender, loving, yet still
masculine hands of that week’s national hero, cornerback Drayton Florence. Florence
crossed the middle of the field, turned on the jets and headed toward the end zone. But
there was still one person to get by. The guy who spiked the ball off Dareus’ head while
standing in a pocket so clear of defenders that he could have thrown his helmet into the
air and spun around like Mary Tyler Moore before tossing the pass. Mr. Thomas
Edward Patrick Brady-Bundchen himself.With the game on the line,
Brady-Bundchen had just served up a pick with a side of Caesar salad and a loaded baked
potato. He had to make the play. Only he didn’t. Tom, close enough to have laid one of his
freshly manicured fingers on Florence, (perhaps knocking him out of bounds and saving the
touchdown) slowed down. The QB all but shouted “Ole!” as he deftly steered clear of
Florence and pulled his hands away in a dainty manner that can only be described as
“small-girl-accidentally-picking-up-dog-turd.”This play cost the Patriots the
game. They lost 34-31 and if Brady had made that tackle, or just forced Florence out of
bounds, there’s a good chance New England’s defense could have held the Bills to a field
goal or even gotten a turnover right back.All that became even more likely
after noticing Buffalo safety Jairus Byrd trailing Florence on the interception return.
Byrd would have unquestionably laid into the half-heartedly jogging Brady-Bundchen as he
girlishly pushed Florence toward the sideline. A hit that would have, undoubtedly, drawn a
personal foul penalty negating a touchdown if Florence is able to avoid Tom’s playful
tickle-slaps or, at worst, backed the Bills up 15 more yards from the spot of the foul.But Tom Edward Cullen Brady doesn’t want to get hit by Byrd, or even take the
chance of ruining his French tips trying to poke Florence out of bounds. For Tom, winning
the game simply is not worth it.Contrast all that to Eli Manning who was
beaten senseless last week by the San Francisco 49ers defense and still put forth the best
quarterback performance of the day, by far. The bigger the pass, the more dire the
situation and the more likely Eli was to deliver and have to pick himself up off the
ground, spit out a mouthful of turf and pull his chinstrap out from between his teeth
afterward.Eli has turned into one of the best big-game quarterbacks of this
era. Earlier in the season, against the Patriots, Eli was so fantastic in the face of
pressure that when the game was over (a 24-20 Giants win where Manning tossed the winning
TD with New England’s Andre Carter right in his face) it seemed certain Tom Brady would
immediately order a paternity test on his and Gisele’s baby to make sure Eli wasn’t the
real dad.Eli has been playing with the house’s money his whole life. The baby
in a three-boy family, Eli has felt no pressure at all to perform. Older brother Peyton
was forced to live up to Dad’s (former New Orleans Saints QB Archie Manning) legacy and
compete against his big brother Cooper. Just two years apart, Cooper and Peyton went to
high school together, played on the same prep team and could probably pick out the
individual food components of their farts after the thousands they have most certainly
blasted into each others’ faces.That’s not to say Cooper and Peyton haven’t
each farted into Eli’s stoic, emotionless mug. I’m sure that Eli has tasted the hot,
malodorous effluvium birthed in the mephitic bowels of his two elder siblings. I’m not
questioning that at all. If ever there has been a face that has been farted upon
repeatedly, it is Eli
Manning‘s.But with those farts also came love, not competition. Eli is six
years younger than Peyton and eight years younger than Cooper. By the time Eli was playing
prep sports, and then college football, Peyton was already in the NFL and Cooper had been
diagnosed with a spinal condition and could never play again, so even the battle between
him and Peyton was over. The Manning kids could just root for each other.Nobody was happier to watch Eli beat Tom Brady in Super Bowl XLII than Peyton. Eli isn’t
as good as Peyton and nobody thinks so (not even Eli). Peyton’s real competition is Tom
Brady, and watching Brady’s chance at NFL history, a fourth Super Bowl Championship and a
perfect 19-0 season go down the toilet at the hands of his little brother was probably too
good to be true.But a lot of things happened as a result of that game, a lot
of wonderful things. See, earlier that season the New England Patriots were busted for cheating –
specifically video taping the opposition’s offensive and defensive signals and, maybe,
recording a St. Louis Rams practice walk-through before Super Bowl XXXVI.The
Patriots deny that last accusation and we’ll never really know if it’s true because Roger
Goodell, like a faithful dog, destroyed the tapes so they’ve never been viewed publicly. A
congressional investigation (yes, the United States Congress) showed that by taping and
analyzing the opponent’s calls alone, the Patriots were able to predict about 75% of the
plays being called against them.

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It’s an inviting ad: A smiling, lingerie-clad woman reclines suggestively on a bed.
But it gets quirkier: There’s a Facebook check-in sign covering her, ahem, southern
region. The ad reads: “Matti Virtanen and 19 others were here.”The
ad
was published by the Finnish AIDS Council in an attempt to promote the use of condoms.
Clever, most definitely, but at what cost?Since its release, it’s been
circulating through social media sites like a hot potato. Some women are screaming shame;
others are saying relax and (metaphorically) “own it.” Before anyone goes
any further screaming bloody murder, relax: Matti’s mate is guilty, too. In a
counterpart ad, a good-looking man sits back with — you guessed it — a Facebook check-in
sign over the family jewels. Sanna and 34 others have checked in. (Time for a quick
calculation of who’s winning.) In many ways, the ad succeeds by
stimulating discussion. For that, we give major props to the Finnish AIDS Council for
scandalizing the topic of safer sex because — let’s be honest — it’s never
been about the number of girls you’ve scored (right?), only how you’ve treated
them. So, gents, treat ‘em right: Regardless of how many Sannas you’ve checked
into, the good man knows to keep it safe.

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